Five Uses for a Typewriter in the Internet Age

When a typewriter in our office ran out of ribbon, a call went out to justify the cost of buying a new ribbon for a machine that had an eigth-inch of dust coating it. While I used to love the hum and clack of the two typewriters that I owned before I bought my first PC, the only reasons I could come up with were these:

  1. If you want to type your name on your fingers, you must use a typewriter, since it’s easier to get your finger in a typewriter than in a laser printer (it doesn’t burn as much, either) or an inkjet (which is far messier).
  2. If you want to type “TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT!” on your tie, you need a typewriter. I have yet to see any printer that can take a tie through the sheet feeder. (Warning: Remove tie first.)
  3. If you want to understand the visual metaphor of Donald Duck eating corn-on-the-cob, you need to use a typewriter at least once, preferably a manual one.
  4. If you want to drive your noisy cube-mates battier than they are driving you, a rattling, clacking typewriter is a good start. Turning up the volume on your phone ringer also helps, as well as having prolonged phone conversations with your doctor about your severe gastrointestinal distress — be sure you mention that it is caused by the stress of your noisy working environment and see if you can slip in the phrase “going postal.”
  5. You need a typewriter for added effect when mailing the following:

Technolujy sux! All you stupid people with your dot-de-dot dot calms are reely getting on my nerves. Oh, look at me, ain’t I all special on the inturnette with more mega-hurts and giga-bites than you. Driving in your fancy cars with your fancy pajers and sell phones! You make me sick! I will kill you all. As soon as I throw out this danged typewriter. Ya know, all of our problems today started with the frustration of making typos. Now we need thousands of dollars worth of computers and software just to speil chuck.
-Ted Kazinski